Pigs And Wands - 23/28 September 2003 / part 3
Lower down. Sticky end. Riffs galore. Ozzy intones. Head bangs. Blue fish. Big one. Diamond geezer. Skunk soon. I hope. Can wait. Flash fridge. Paranoid now. Whistling along. In Whitby. Thrown in. For jolly. Jelly bag. Sabbath again. Planet Caravan. A Favourite. She used my heart as an ashtray, captain, but she didn't want to know. Fuck it, fuck it all, turn it up, bring on the intensity, you cunts. Hat trick. Getting violent. Going out. Sweet Leaf. Abundance. Union. U can't bend it. We are the insane, matey pops. We sail through endless skies, the stars shine like eyes - Planet Caravan. Off out. Thrice.
I can't really take much more of this, I can't handle it anymore on my own and there's only one way out, thru the door beyond the vale of tears. I can't take much more of this lonely room and me on my own, alone and lonely. Got tears in my eyes when they were talking about xmas tonight, Steve the barman held my hand 'cos he saw me go. I'm sobbing my heart out still, like a baby and I've just had enough, I either kill myself or kick off, or what. I don't know, can anyone help me. The pain gets too much and I don't know what else to do but get so pissed that I either hurt some silly cunt or come back here and try to cry it away. Oh Fuck. Turn the music up. Eat or die. Eat, eat, eat. Die, die, die. I don't want to die just yet, I've got more letters to write, more songs to sing. Kiss my arse and die. I'm a fool who has wasted his life and am gonna die alone and lonely. Ruth, where are you?
Oh fuck it all. I've got lots of friends and the Music Port World Music festival is coming up soon - 24, 25, 26 of October and I'm heavily involved in it but I'm fucked in the head and am scared of letting them all down, got to conquer fear and get on with itbut it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I don't know how to do it. I was sat next to one of my friends tonight, she's in her 80's, lost her sister this year, and she said to me, "I don't understand how you are still on your own, a good looking lad like you" and I had to admit that I can't understand it either. Oh fucking hell, bollocks to it all, I'm a head-case but... fuck it all, can't take anymore. Vodka, vodka, vodka. I'll be dead soon, soon, soon, so bless you all, I've only got love in my heart. Madness, suicide and death. Enough of it to fill my craw for several lifetimes.
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Gonna have to shout at the walls at the top of my voice and hit it with sticks and turn the music up. But what is music anymore, I've lost with my music and everything. Someone help me. I can't handle being like this, I can't cope with coming back here to emptiness and being like this anymore. I just want the pain to go away. Watching tear-drops fall from my eye. Want to cut myself and set alight to myself at the same time. Oh fucking bollocks. Repetition. The three R's as Mark E Smith said, Repetition, repetition, repetition, wish I had someone I could talk to. Eat shit and die Ruth. Bad times. Wish they would go away. Phleging out the window. Sick of it, sick of it all. Wish I could tell someone right now. I'll be o.k. but what is there going to be left of me to be O.K. about. I don't know. Shrug, fiend. No, no, no. Help, helpless. What do you do and where do you go, I mean me. ME. HELP. ME. BOLLOCKS. I'll be o.k., vodka, pass out, minimise the damage to me, to my soul but have to face it all tomorrow and carry-on. Blighted. By it all. Made to feel like what's going on inside me is silly and insignificant. What do I need to do to prove to someone how much I am suffering. Do I need to cut my own head off in the supermarket to say, ok this is it, I've had enough, I can't take anymore. No-one understands, no-one is there, are they? Flip. Flipped. Fucked-up. Arse boo by bow heathen strap. You called it what? Some time no good. I'll get thru this but I don't know how or why. Fix us a fictitious fish and get on with it 'cos that silly donkey won't bray and I can't bray it. Talking to myself. Past it. Enough is enough. But the trouble is, is that I don't know anymore.
