F.U.B.A.R. - 12 February/28 April 2004 / part 1
Ey Up Chupa Chup,
dream and reality are merging and I can no longer distinguish one from the other.
Mind at the end of the tether! Can't prise last-night apart from itself to discover what was dreamt and what was not.
I was rigging a vaccum-cleaner up to P.A.B.M's door handle and he opened his door, saw me and shouted, I ran upstairs laughing.
I was warming up rice-pudding in the nude when Keith knocked and walked in, I put a towel round me. All that is real, it happened.
It's the next bit that's shaky, trembling like. Did he try it on or try to pull the towel off and did I grab him by the throat
and say "If you ever do anything like that again I will fucking kill you,"? Or did he just go up to get some beers and fall asleep,
or not come down 'cos I was manic on the amphetamine, ale and smoke? I will have to wait till I see him again to ask. To ask and find out.
Find out, fido! Bow wow (wow). I dunno. Nowt. I dunno nowt. I Got Me Babe. Gotta go out there and pretend that I'm normal again,
the veneer's wearing thin. And something about an ostrich, but I've forgotten it.
Yes, ok, I did get Keith by the throat and I did kick-off tonight in the Black Horse but fucking bollocks to it all. I'm not looking forward to this day (Valentines Day) passing, but it will pass. Pigs are very clean. Pig food is very expensive. Get on with it, yeh, get on with it. FUCK YOUR MUSIC. Shouting and screaming about my soul, I still think a lot. Take it away. Ever in Hell? We're all going to heaven 'cos we've already been thru Hell, Todd. I'm Sick, I'm Sick. I went to my doctor's, but he never gave me anything that helped. You go your way, I'll go my way. My way's... my way's... my ways... I've had my eyes opened. Lie on the linoleum one more time. None of them would go away. Go Away! Go Away! I'm on my knees. Valentines Day Hell. Soul Almighty, We've Got The Rhythm. My Soul Is Raw Too Bob! Too many dead already. The dead should come back and lose their cool and go to pieces, it's pointless looking to anybody else. Joviality, midget gems and a pair of shoes. If you don't piss off I'll kick you all the way to the beach. Now look, I say, wait a minute, don't start taking liberties with me. Without a bite to eat, go round the corner, get something to eat; when you've had yer meal, piss off out of it. Don't fuck me, I'm only the Caretaker.
Wowt. Abstract what? Wot? Would you like to see it? I'm trying to cope with fucking suicidal depression. Listening to a What Katy Did Next compilation tape I made that none of you cunts have heard 'cos you not been up here since I did did did it but it's a fucking Good-un. 1983-1993, Work, Sin, Progress. I was just listening to a bit of 'Turn On Yer Flesh Spoons', and it was like "Fucking Hell, Did I Really Play That? Did We All Do That?" I'd like a train-set please. Burp, burp. I don't want to touch it thank-you. No. Not. Know. Knot. FUCKING BLUESMEN, I FUCKING SHIT 'EM. I'm gonna wring P.A.B.M's neck, thank-you very much, I've banged on the walls enough times. 1,2,3,4. Fucking Bastard Hell Fucking Shite-Spawn. Tadpoles up the giraffe.
Lots going on behind the scenes.
DEAFENING, THIS FUCKING SILENCE ISN'T IT, WHEN I SHUT MY FUCKING BIG GOB! DONKEY SHOUTING. So Quiet I can't hear it, so loud I can't ignore it. Another Girl, Another Planet. The Only Ones. Listening to 25.10.90 Thursdee, The Adelphi. I've got the poster on my wall. Boy, we took some chances, fucking tight as fuck, you can't really hear the vocals but 'Identify Me' fell apart, sort of, never really came together. Try To Define Me. La Dee Daa. And All The Things You Were Doing Brother Were Fabulous! I Hear All Songs Running Together. Combined. I Was such a crazy cunt, still am. But I was the Leader of the BAND (Banned). The Fucking Grand Wazoo. And you never followed me where I wanted to go, you should have. Trust me, I'm A Doctor. If you'd all followed me where I wanted to go, we'd all be dead by now. Champion! Fucking Magotts! Has the cat got your toe? The colours on the bathroom wall all want to see your face. Do It Again..... But I Know How Intense and Scarey It All Was. Of Course I Do. I Created It All! Earphones please. It wasn't that scarey. I've been thru worse. Without a nurse. Where Is She When it Helps So Much and there's only the seagulls giving it Rock and P.A.B.M Upstairs strolling around and killing. Members of the dirty trouser brigade. What Are You Doing? Nowt.
Nothing is ever the same anyway. I'm obviously a wanker and if I don't go out soon on a Whitby Sunday I'm gonna strangle the stupid little cunt (P.A.B.M.) 'cos he's really trying my patience. I was never gonna mention her name again in these letters and I won't, but you know her name and she's still killing me. Begins with an R. But does not and didn't have a lot to do with the TRUTH OF IT or anything. SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, ROCK ON RINGO, PLEASE HELP ME. DO IT AGAIN. MY HEADS ON FIRE. I thank you, godverdomme. NAKED SUMP.
Trevor, where did you find that note on your slide guitar? The rough male kiss of grainy-wood. And the old smell of clothes and blankets. Would 60 gallons be sufficient? The harmony of the universe. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. FX. Waitress!
